Blog Posts

July 29th,2016 - A take on the modern internet

I've been reading the book Cyberia today, and I finished the intro and the first chapter.

It makes me so depressed reading how optimistic the author is about the internet. Rushkoff is adament that "cyberians", ie internet users, will reject corporations, and that the internet will be a wild west, where corporations are rejected and that no business will take place on it. That newsletters and advertising companies will fail, and that the internet will soley be a place for people to connect with eachother and communicate without scrutiny.

While yes, there hasn't been more communcation worldwide than today, nothing Rushkoff predicted has come to pass. The internet, today, at it's heart, relies on it's ability to make money. There is no free and open communication. At least, not in a mainstream way. The majority of the internet does not rely on free communication. Users rely on corporation's format, their feed, their algorithm, to keep them scrolling. There's no "oh let me see what this user is up to.", there is just "oh let me open up instagram. let me open up twitter. let me open up facebook". There's no individual pages anymore.

July 20th, 2016 - Drunk Ramblings - Transition Regrets

Guess what? I'm drunk. Again. Lol.

Night three of our ramblings. This time, it's regretting starting my transition so late.

This one might not be so angry or melancholic. I had a kinda good day today.

I didn't know I was trans until I was 25.

I had the feeling of "I wish I wasn't born a male" since I was... 13? I dunno, ever since I started puberty. I didn't like hearing what puberty would do to me. I never really felt... I never really felt like I fit in with men. I don't know if it was the crowd I grew up in, or what I learned "being a man" was, but it didn't sound appetizing. I didn't want to grow hair everywhere. I didn't want my voice to be so deep. I didn't want to grow big. And yet. Did I do anything to stop it? No. I thought every guy felt like this.

When I was maybe 16 or so, I learned what trans people were. That doesn't feel like the right phrasing, but I can't think of something better.
Unfortunately, I didn't learn about the trans community in the right way. At the time, I had fallen into the right wing pipeline. Not all the way down, but I was definitely in the "own the libs" pipeline. I thought that trans people were.. groomers? That they were trying to indoctrinate kids. At the time, I thought that was wrong, and I hated the trans community. I rejected them.

When I was 21 or so, I realized I didn't feel like "a man". I thought I was just a person, detached from gender. Did I branch out into being non-binary? No. I dressed in clothes that minimized me, pants and hoodies in the winter, shorts and a plain t-shirt in the summer. I avoided being noticed at all costs. I fell into a deep depression. One that I wouldn't get out of for 5 years. Did I do anything to stop it? No.

At around the same time, I found SewerSlvt. I loved her music. I was listening to mostly hiphop at the time, but my middle school self (who loved dubstep) loved her music. She was my #1 artist of the year. I joined discord servers about her. I found that trans people were... normal people. They just didn't feel at home in their body, they felt like they were supposed to be born the other gender. They were good. They weren't groomers, they weren't weirdos. I really liked hanging out with them. Did that make me realize I was trans? No.

When I was 24, I got a job that let me work somewhere in the public sector I’d wanted to work since I was a child. I loved it. I had a great day working at the lab, working by myself, and driving home, I put on some femtanyl. My brain went:

"Today was a really great day. I got to work at [INSTITUTION]. I got to work with electronics. I did good work that would help society. I love my job. I love my life. You know what is the one thing that would make things better? If I was born a woman." And I could literally feel the neurons connecting. WOOSH. I'm trans.

I still remember that night of texting the group chat. I said "Femtanyl got me questioning my gender fr". And I decided to follow it. I shaved off my facial hair. Shaved off everything south of my head lol. Stole some of my sisters clothes. Put on a skirt and a sweater, realized I liked the look.. alot, and texted my friends "fuckfuckcfuck please dont be gay i dont want to be gay what does this mean". (my friend had texted me "Bro took 'new year new me' to a whole new level" lol).

I decided to hop on HRT immediately. I knew that at 25, I was already cooked. I figured I would have a month or so to try estrogen out, and if I liked it, I would stay on it, if I didn't, I would go back, no harm no foul.

Now that i'm actually deep into my transition, about a year and a half in, god I wish I realized sooner.

I'm not going to pass without surgeries. I realized I was trans way too late. Everybody else I know realized when they were 18. And while twitter likes to say that being 18 and going on HRT is cooked, i would give anything to go on HRT that young. I had 7 years of masculinization that I fucking haaaate.

It is what it is now. At least i'm on HRT. While yes, I am still depressed. I'm at least living some type of life. I'm not just wasting away by getting high 24/7. (Just getting drunk 12/7). HRT is so worth it. I just wish I could have given myself the chance sooner.

July 19th, 2026 - Drunk Suicidal Ramblings Pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo

I'm drunk again.


I think that when i'm sober, my emotions just get muted. When I'm drunk, everything gets amplified, enough to where I want to write about them.

I've rewritten this post 4 times now. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. Never have been able to.

I've got so much to write about, so many issues i'm facing, so maybe i'll just split them up into different posts over the next few days. For tonight, I'll write about the most serious issue i'm facing.

I'm really worried that i'm just checking out of life.

I'm 27 years old. I know that's not old old, but when I look at other people on the internet, they seem to have everything figured out by my age. They got to live their life in their teens and early 20's doing fun shit. I struggled with depression so much at that age that I really didn't do much when I was younger. I really just spent it getting high and sitting in my room playing video games. And I look online, and I see so many people in their early 20's going and travelling, having fun with friends, expressing themselves - I just feel jealous. I would give anything to go back to when I was 18 and tell myself everything I know now. I would tell her "No, you fucking idiot, no cis person wishes every day they were born the opposite gender. Get on HRT, learn to express yourself. Go live your life."

At the same time as feeling as if 27 is too old.. I feel like there's so much life left to live but... I don't know if I want to live that life. Like after 30, what the fuck is left? Get a job, get a house, meet up with friends once a month? That seems awful.

Earlier today, my girlfriend and I talked about... not getting old. To be honest, I don't really remember how the conversation went. I've... been dissociating for the past.. 5 days? I think. Anyways. I told her that I don't plan to be around to hit 40. Like I said before, what's the point? I don't think life is worth living if you're not young. Getting old doesn't seem fun.

I already don't feel fufilled in life. Like I said in my last post.
I have a great job, one where I can almost genuinely say i'm changing the world, I work in the public sector helping with pollution studies.
I have a girlfriend.
I have hobbies.
I have friends. (Or at least I might, i'll write a diary post about this)
I have money.

I got all the things that a successful adult should have. I thought this was the "key" to happiness. That once I had all of them, depression wouldn't exist. That I would unlock easy mode.

I got them.

And it all feels worthless.

July 16th, 2026 - Drunk Suicidal Ramblings

Where to begin.
I'm drunk. I'm listening to harsh noise.

I fucking hate my life.

On one hand, I have never been in a better spot. I have a good job. I have a girlfriend. I have some friends. I have some money.

On the other hand: I am honestly, truly, the most depressed I have ever been.

I am never going to pass. I am always going to be a male. I'll never be a woman. Of fucking course my mother didn't eat enough vegatables while she was pregnant with me, so I was born with Y chromasomes. Heh. Steins Gate reference.

I'll always have a male voice. And no matter what; no matter how much voice training I do, no matter how many throat surgeries I get, testosterone will always have raped me.
I'll always have broad shoulders.
I'll always have a sharp jaw.
I'll always have cone tits.
I'll never have a female brain.
I'll always be alone.
I'll always be alone.
I'll always be alone.

I wish I could clone myslef. Just so fucking SOMEONE would get what i'm feeling.

I fucking hate this.

I'm too old. I missed out. I'm 27 years old. Everyone else is in their teens or their early 20s. The people that are my age; they're well adjusted. They're married. They have lives.
I have nothing. I am nothing. I'm fucking worthless.

Jesus fuck this is some angstposting.
This is fucking pathetic.

Why do I want to end this. Why.

My main goal in life is to just have some other trans girls (who understand me) to drink and do drugs with.
Like. Do you get it? I don't have anything else I want in life. I don't see myself owning a house. This fucked economy is to thanks for that. I don't see myself having a job a truly enjoy. Fuck capitalism for that. I don't see myself having a happy family. You can thank my genes for that.

I hate being sober, being inside my own head feels unbearable. I don't see myself truly being happy. I see myself finding people who understand, and hiding everything else under substances.

And I know that isn't a future. That's the fucking problem.

I don't see myself winning in life. I don't think anybody truly gets me. My married coworkers tell me "oh you want someone different than you, so there's spice in the relationship." But i dont want that. I want someone whoe truley gets me.

Nobody get's me. I am my own person. Nobody else is like me.

Maybe I should be alone.

Maybe I don't deserve love.

Maybe this is all the drunk ramblings of a stupid retarded tranny who burnt all her neurons out by spending her early 20s in a weed-induced stupor.
Maybe this is hell.

I'm not gonna fucking kill myself. This isn't a suicide note.
I'm drunk. I'm mad. I haven't felt this low in a long time. I don't need the police. I need SOMEONE to understand that i feel completely fucking broken right now.

Fuck this.
Fuck all of this.

No Julie, Don't Fall for the Terminally Online Trans Girl!!

This post is kinda for me so I have a record of it, but fuck it, i'll share it with the internet.

Last July, I joined a tgirl discord. I found a few other girls who were fun to hang out with, we would play counter strike, drink, and chat for like, hours every single night. This one girl, let's call her Ashley, had a Signalis profile picture, so my lonely ass immediately latched onto her. I remember our first call together, I was showing her 17776 Future Football, and I said it was fucking peak. She responded with "How can this be peak when T4T is peak? Where my T4T incest footjob frotting wife" and that immediately made me start crushing on her.

We kept talking, our online friend group kept flirting with each other, kept making sexual jokes. Ashley and I discussed me taking a trip up to visit her, since she lived in New York, about 6 hours from me. I joked about rerouting a work flight so instead of taking me home, it would take me to visit her. When that work trip happened and she asked when I would be in Syracuse, I thought we weren't being serious, and she seemed pretty upset by it. I think that's when I started to think "Oh, this might actually be a thing."

Ashley made it clear when we both confessed our feelings for each other that she wouldn't be exclusive until we actually met in person. I told her this was fine, that I kinda agreed (although really my lonely ass wanted to be exclusive even though it was an online relationship.)

We eventually planned for me to actually visit in October, since she was playing in a concert that weekend.

A couple weeks before the trip, she told me that a mutual friend of ours, let's call her Jenny, would also be going on the trip. At first, I thought "wait wtf I thought this was gonna be like, our trip. Romantic and shit." But I told myself that it was fine, that since it was our first time meeting, she probably just wanted more people there, and plus, Jenny lived on the way, so why not, right? Our mutual friend had a boyfriend anyways, so it was fine. No competition there.

Jenny and Ashley had previously made a joke where they would hook up and I would sit and watch. It really ticked me off, since I kinda have a visceral hatred for the idea of cucking. I made it clear that I didn't like the joke, and they gave an apology, so I thought things were fine. I told myself that this trip would be the deciding factor on whether I actually wanted to be serious with Ashley or not.

Jenny said that she wouldn't mind driving up there, and my naive self said sure, I'll just drive 3 hours up to her house, and then she would drive the 4 hours up to Ashley's house. So we go up there thursday night, first time meetup was kind of awkward but it was whatever.

Ashley revealed that she only had a couch for that night since she didn't have an air mattress pump, so one of us would *have* to sleep in her bed. I obviously jumped at this chance. We had set our PCs up in Ashley's room so we could play a few matches of counter strike, popped open a bottle of wine, and got to gaming. Eventually Ashley says that she's tired and has work in the morning, so we got off for the night. Jenny went to go sleep on the couch. Ashley and I got in bed, and Ashley just kinda rolled over and said she had work in the morning so she was going to sleep. I took this at face value, that "oh, she's just tired, we'll do something tomorrow."

Friday rolls around, and Ashley goes to work, so Jenny and I spent the day by ourselves. We went to a cafe, went shopping a little bit, and just killed time until Ashley got off work. She had her concert that night, so we all went, and it was alright. Not my type of music, but whatever. While at the concert, I met Ashley's tinder date, call her Rachel, that she met a month prior. Ouch. I naively told myself that they were just friends.

After the concert, we all went out drinking at this video game bar, Three Lives, (which is actually a fucking sick bar, if you're in Syracuse and you're like me, go check this place out), and we got hammered. Ashley got up at one point to go to the bathroom, and there was a lull in the conversation, so I asked "We're all pining after Ashley, aren't we?" and everyone confirmed they were. Oooh, competition.

We started walking back to her car, chainsmoking American Spirits, and Ashley brought up how Jenny and I made fun of her in the discord server, and for that, we both owed her a punch in the gut. Jenny goes up first, and Ashley punches her, and it's all haha funny. Then it's my turn, and dude I am fucking charged. Like this is it. I think Ashley felt it too, because she's staring into my soul, and asks if i'm ready. I'm staring right back at her, smirking, and tell her I am, and to make it a good one. She grabs my hand, puts her cigarette out on the back of it, and goes "Here, so you have something to remember me by." Right when she's done putting it out, she punches me as hard as she can.

And I fucking moaned. Everybody clocked it. They commented on it. But. That was it. Ashley and I had talked about my pain kink before and specifically about putting cigarettes out on each other, and she knew I needed aftercare. But she didn't give it to me. In the moment, I chalked it up to us being with other people, and that it would come later.

We got back to Ashley's apartment, and Ashley, Jenny, and Rachel get on the couch and started cuddling, no room for me. This, in combination with the no aftercare from before, left a really sour taste in my mouth. I kinda wrote the trip off, and Ashley as a whole, at this point. I think I just went to sleep at some point with the blankets over my head.

I woke up the next day with nobody in the living room, so I knew Jenny slept in Ashley's room. I woke up at like 8am and hung around until 10:30, I remember saying "fuck it, i'm not gonna just sit here and do nothing while my friend sleeps with my crush."

I decided to go out and walk around Syracuse, went to a cafe and got some coffee and a pastry. Walked around for another couple hours with "I Want Things to be Beautiful" by Devi McCallion blasting in my ears on loop. Got back at like 12:30 and they were still in bed, so I just went on my phone til they woke up. Sure enough, they both eventually come out of Ashley's room, and i'm just done at this point. I was in my nonverbal mood where I just wanted to be alone in my own room, but of course, I didn't drive so I couldn't go home.

I was stuck there. Ashley takes Jenny and I to a folk music concert, which fucking suuucked. Not my type of music at all. I remember texting my friends that I hated folk music, and that I was gonna go to a rave the next weekend to detox. (I did btw, I saw Purity Filter and she's fucking sick). We got back to Ashley's apartment, and her and Jenny immediately got on the couch and started cuddling. I didn't wanna be in there any longer, so I went to Ashley's room and got on my PC and started playing some War Thunder. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of wine, and when I walked into the living room, Jenny was in her underwear making out with Ashley. I didn't make eye contact with them, got my drink, and went back to the bedroom to text my friends. [I pulled up the chat log], I said:

Julie: Oh my FUCKING GOD
I FUCKING HATE TRANS PEOPLE I FUCKING HATE TRANS PEOPLE I FUCKING HATE TRANS PEOPLE
WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL OF THEM POLYAMOROUS
I thought "oh I wouldn't have to worry about competing with [Jenny], she has a boyfriend." AND GUESS WHAT I FUCKING WALK IN ON
IM ABOUT TO COMMIT A FUCKING HATE CRIME!!!!!!
Said in this tone btw:
Video

I eventually got bored and left her room and just told them "I wanna go to bed. Do you guys wanna go into the bedroom?" And they obliged. I went to sleep with noise cancelling earbuds in.

The next morning, I got dressed, packed all my things up, and went on my phone while I waited for them to come out. I had this epiphany that like - I didn't have anything in common with these people, other than the fact that we were trans, played video games, and liked weird tgirl memes. I had spent the previous day kicking myself about how I was barely talking to them, and how I realized that hobbies, music tastes, worldviews, they didn't overlap with me. I couldn't talk to them because they weren't interested in computers, planes, cars, bikes, robots, etc. It was at this point that I realized they, and the discord server, was not healthy for me. It was taking up too much of my time from school and work, and I needed to just cut them all off.

They asked if I wanted to go to a diner and then go on a hike up some mountain, and then cut my hair afterwards. I told them no, that we could go get food but after that, I had to go home because I had work the next day. We went to the diner and I said maybe a total of 20 words. We went back to Ashley's apartment, and Jenny got all of her stuff together. They kissed each other a few more times goodbye, and I just dejectedly said "Goodbye Ashley." and we left. Put my earbuds in, and didn't speak to Jenny for the whole 4 hour car ride.

When we got back to her house, she invited me in for dinner before I left to go home, which I respectfully declined. She asked if we were still going to play counter strike that night, and I told her "haha, yeah totally!" knowing full well I would never talk to any of them again. Sure enough, I got home, immediately blocked all of their socials, left the discord server without saying goodbye, and went to bed.

Looking Back

Look I know I wasn't owed anything by Ashley. I know I was being a whiny bitch. This was just my first time doing an online "relationship", first time doing a t4t "relationship", first time taking a trip to meet someone I met online. I had rose colored lenses on when she said we wouldn't be exclusive until we met irl. We had facetimed before the trip, but maybe when she saw me IRL she didn't find me attractive. That's fine. I just went into this trip with a lot of high expectations, and it didn't meet them.

Do I hate Ashley? I wouldn't say I do. At least not now. I definitely did right after I got home from the trip. But now? I really just hate her for giving me that cigarette burn scar for no reason. Anyways. It makes for one great story, if you like hearing about how I got cucked by my online friends lmao.

Moral of the story? Don't fall for the terminally online girl with the Signalis profile picture just because she says one insane sentence that rearranges your brain chemistry.

Or do. I'm not your mom.

Just maybe drive yourself next time.

Unit Display Board

Currently, I'm working on a status display board for my job, just a fun lil side project. We have to test units before we ship them out, so we throw them on our building's roof and monitor them for a couple weeks. I got tired of having to check on each one manually, I wanted a board that could show what units are where, and the status of them. One "slot" has two 4-digit 7-segment displays, and three leds; green, yellow, and red. The displays show the main unit's ID, and the auxilliary unit's ID. The led's correspond to the unit's log; whether there are no warnings / errors, warnings, or errors.