Diary

2026.05.29

00:14 - No you know what, fuck the diary post formatting, I need to make a mobile site. Who the fuck is on their desktop nowadays? Nobody.

lowkey really worried though that i might have to redo my entire site layout to make this work though

01:05 - Oh my fucking god I was right. Even just trying to get my logo to fit properly on the screen has the ENTIRE site broken. Fuck me

01:25 - Oh I figured it out. Okay. I mean I lost the left and right sidebars, but I at least have the logo, the nav bar, and the main page displaying correctly.

I'm gonna have to figure out how to keep the nav bar on screen when scrolling down, but for now I think this is alright. I'm gonna go to sleep now I guess, I have work in 7 hours

2026.05.28

23:42 - "Not right now kitten, mommy's about to kill herself"

Dude I don't know why, but like 30 minutes ago I could just feel all of the dopamine leave my body. I feel fucking miserable dude.

And it all started for literally the worst, most pathetic reason too. I liked some tweet by someone, then later they tweeted "following all the hot girls that liked my tweet earlier", and they didn't follow me, so that obviously means i'm a fucking disgusting ugly loser, right? Dude I don't have any photos of me on twitter. I barely post. Why the fuck am I taking that post to heart? I legitimately don't know.

Anyways. That started my downward spiral. I now feel like my friends hate me for being trans, like they hate me for being too.. flamboyant about it. And part of me knows that I can be a bit much with the trans shit, for making pervy jokes and shit. Part of me doesn't want to hide it, to be my true self, but when I get in moods like this, I feel like I need to hide it so I can keep them around. They're my day ones, i'm so fucking scared of losing them.

I feel like i'm lowkey selling with this new girl i'm talking to. I don't know. I haven't seen her since last weekend which I know isn't a huge deal, but her responses seem short tonight, and i'm anxious she's starting to lose interest. Which AGAIN, MY BRAIN IS FUCKING STUPID, she's literally at a friends house, she shouldn't be giving me 100% focus.

God I fucking hate my brain. I'm drinking to cope. I'm gonna redo the diary section, this is getting messy and I need something to distract me

2026.05.25

10:17 - Holy fuck the comeup on adderall is so nice. I grew up taking Vyvanse for my ADHD, which is much more of a slow onset, but adderall just HITS dude. I can literally feel the random noise in my brain leaving.

My room is a fucking mess. Took 20mg and a white monster, the comeup feels like that Batman scene where he injects the adrenaline and he just screams and gets up in rage. Except i'm not raged and instead just extremely motivated to clear out the beer cans on my desk and finally do my laundry

10:21 - I keep meaning to fix the diary upload system I got right now. It's literally just a page of HTML that I continuously edit and push to prod.

And like, it works, but I know this isn't the right way to do it lmao. But I don't wanna go full on wordpress or anything like that, I still want to maintain control over everything. I just don't know where to start.

But that's not a right now problem. The adderall has kicked in and its time to get to work on my room. I'm adding the diary uploading to my TO-DO list.

11:39 - Oooh I fucked up. Sister probably thinks i'm depressed and self harming now.

So, backstory. I'll probably go into this in some other post, but last year I joined this tgirl discord server and fell really hard for this one chick. She lived in Syracuse NY, about a 6 hour drive from me, so after a few months of flirting and talking about visiting, I finally made the trip in October. Horrible idea. Bad trip. Anyways, while there, we got really hammered, and she put a cigarette out on the back of my hand. But - that was it. No aftercare, no kiss, no nothing.
Look I like pain. But I need aftercare with it. She didn't give me that (for reasons that like I said, i'll go into in a different post), and the scar stuck around, so whenever I would look at it I would feel a certain pang of sadness and regret.

This past weekend, I went to a concert with the girl i'm talking to, and we stepped outside so I could smoke. I was a few drinks in, I looked down at my hand, looked at the cigarette, looked at her, and thought "I'm having a pretty good time right now. Why not replace the bad memory scar with a fresher good memory scar?" So I asked her to, and she obliged, and put it out on my scar. ^{(Yes I got turned on from this.)}

Now the fuckup - Kinda let it slip to my sister what happened, and she freaked the fuck out and asked why would I do that, and asked why I thought it was cool to self harm. Really fuckin hope she doesn't tell my fam about it, because my mom saw the bandage from last weeks blood / knifeplay session, asked what happened, and when I told her I got cut, she dropped it. If my sister tells her that i'm quote on quote "self harming", kinda worried she'll try and have me committed lmao.

12:21 - Fuck, my adderall fueled brain got hooked on how nice it is to type and listen to trance music. I'm gonna write about that trip I took to Syracuse. It's gonna be suuuper long so it's gonna go in a blog post.

14:03 - Holy fuuuuuccckkkk I just spent the last two hours writing that blog post! I was supposed to be cleaning my room!! Oh well. It's done now. Go check it out

19:24 - Alright I talked with my sister, she's just worried about me. I mean it's kind of understandable, but I assured her I was fine and wasn't doing it out of depression, and apologized for oversharing. She said it was alright, and just that I need to watch myself, since she knows I get attached way too fast to people and tend to be self destructive.
Yeah.. she's not wrong.

2026.05.24

23:05 - Spent the weekend with a pretty girl. Woke up today and we just kinda lazed around in bed, fell asleep again and had a nice dream. Woke up in her arms which was really nice. I teased her before I had to leave and told her to deal with it on her own, and she did the same to me >.<

Really really nice weekend

Now i'm home, I just ate pizza and crushed a few beers, I feel so good

Never kill urself

2026.05.18

19:43 - I feel like my life is changing too fast. But not fast enough? I don't know. I can't wait to see where i'll end up, and i'm loving the journey.

I started playing the Snuff Puppies series a couple weeks ago, holy fuck it is ruining me.
I mean it's a great game, but holy shit is it dark. It's fucking beautiful though.
I think it's actively making me more degenerate and might make me relapse, but like... I kinda want to. I just can't go so far down that I lose what i've built.

Anyways. There's this one scene where these two girls take acid, and they decide to cut eachother. Like. For some reason, in this scene it was... look on the surface level it was erotic. But it's obviously deeper than that. It's exposing your true self to the other, being so vulnerable, like, you are literally sharing your life essence with eachother. God, it gave me fucking butterflies. Part of me wants to do that irl. The reasonable part of me knows its horribly unsafe and unsanitary. But god. I wish I could find someone to do that with.

I met this chick on grindr a few weeks ago. She's pretty cool. She play's the guitar, likes Star Wars, Warhammer, Legos, the whole tranny shebang. (Not like I can talk. Picture your average stem tranner. That's me.) Anyways. She's cool! We're going to a concert on friday, it should be fun

20:36 - Look I may have done this the wrong way, but dude there's this nightcore song in LONER_DOG that just goes SO hard. I couldn't find this song anywhere. Shazam, asking siri, asking google, could not find this song. So what do I do? Do I look up the game's soundtrack? (Well I did do that actually, it only has the original music composed for the game) Do I ask the game's creator? Do I try and find discussions on the game and ask other people? No.

The game is made with GoDot, it uses .pck files. The game's not encrypted, so a few hours of python scripting later, I got all of the audio assets. Spent like another 20 minute's listening to each song, finally found the one I was looking for. "Touch My Body" by Anonymous420. I mean it sucks that 60% of the song is some slowed bullshit, but god the first minute and a half goes soooo haaarrrrdddd

20:52 - Oh shit I just realized Slime Feet is packaged the same way, I am totally using these scripts on that game. Soundtrack here I come

23:00 - Okay. I took a few shots. Aformentioned girl said she would be willing to try out that acid + cutting scene with me. I figured - if i'm actuallly going to do this at some point, i need to see if I can handle it, right?

Fuck me. I don't know where my brain's wires got fucked up like this, but my god was it a rush. Look i'm not suicidal. I don't want to actually hurt myself to like, punish myself or anything. But. Fuck. Seeing the blood come out of my thighs was like a fucking rush. I did it once to try it. Did it again once I realized it didn't feel so bad. Cut the same cut three times to make it deeper.
My friends expressed their concerns. I didn't care. It felt too good. I kept going. 8 cuts. Fffucckk.

I'm 26. Aren't I too old for cutting myself

23:06 - Fuck i'm supposed to be going to a pool party this weekend

2026.05.01

00:15 - t4t is fucking awesome. that is all, good night

23:28 - who knew a visual novel about slime and foot fetishes could have me crying at 11:30 at night?
go check out Slime Feet, fantastic story. I mean yeah it's got sexting in it, but like.. I think it's kinda beautiful? I don't know how to describe it.
The soundtrack was really good. It's not easily downloadable but the artist (Parallel Parking) does have the music listed for free use, so I might compile it and burn it to a CD or something.

2026.04.27

00:26 - fuckfuckfuck, i've been reading this Human Domestication Guide story and it's sooooo good. It's called "Wellness Check" by Darkfalli on Ao3. God I wish the Affini were real. In this story, this reclusive chick gets taken in (obviously non-con'd) as a pet, and she get's treated so nicely. She has a lot of similar characteristics as I do, and fuck I wish I could have something like this.

All of the drugs they have in the HDG universe sound so nice, especially the class G's (which is basically super HRT) and the class E's (which are anti-anxiety drugs).

I wish I could be a pet, not have to worry about anything anymore. Just be surrounded by endless love and caring.

I'm gonna go take another drink now, goodnight everyone

22:01 - I had my second session of laser today! It wasn't nearly as bad as my first one. Maybe the 1000mg of tylenol or the lidocaine spray helped with that. Either way, 2 down, (at least) 4 to go. So happy to be getting rid of this fuckass facial hair.

Anyways, I finally upgraded my home internet. We were stuck on 50Mb for the LONGEST, it was so dumb. I finally upgraded to gigabit internet and got rid of verizon's router. Got a Flint 3e, and it's quite nice. Ooh that reminds me, I still need to set up network wide adblocking with this thing. I was using pihole before, but i'm pretty sure that now I can just use Adguard built into the router, so it should be way less glitches.

My coworkers and I were bitching about the cost of streaming nowadays, I said that I just.. sail the high seas for my media. I lamented to them that it sucks you really can't take it with you, but then I realized, Plex is a thing! We talked a little bit about getting a NAS and just sharing it with everybody, I might look into that. Have them throw me a few bucks a month for electricity / storage costs, and host their TV show's for em. Hmmm..

2026.04.15

23:02 - Alright it's been like 3-ish weeks since i've even looked at the site? Someone doxed me earlier and it really freaked me out, so I just locked the site down. I figure 3 weeks is enough time for them to get off my back. Eh they were kinda blackmailing me about a relationship, and it ended anyways, so I guess they got what they wanted? Oh well.

It's ironic, right after they doxed me I found their profile, and to be honest, some of the memes they reposted were kinda funny. Almost makes me wish we met under different circumstances, I would've called them a friend.
"In another life? This may have been different."

Anyways. Here's my diary entry for today. I had my first session of laser a couple weeks ago, my god I was not ready for that. Toughed it out though, and man I can already tell it's gonna be worth it. This past week, when I wash my face before bed I can just see more and more hairs falling out. Now it's obviously not perfect, I still have some shadow, but my face is soooo much smoother now. What else.. Oh I started watching Steins Gate last week. Pretty good so far. I really enjoyed Serial Experiments, and this kinda has a similar... vibe(?) to it. Eh it's just another older anime that isn't all over the top, I really enjoy those.

2026.03.23

20:10 - Kinda tipsy, just did my estrogen injection, listening to Virtual Self while epilating my legs
Bless my wonderous tranny life

2026.03.17

14:10 - Ooh I get to be bitchy at work this week, how fun! Lot's of sternly worded emails, it's a fun challenge learning how to call someone an idiot without getting sent to HR, HAH! :P

2026.03.15

17:58 - I was reading this story by chordsands and I liked this short passage:
"She killed herself a little bit whenever she didn't pluck her eyebrows, didn't shave her legs, didn't look for a job, didn't practice piano, didn't do her injection on time, all of these little things adding up cumulatively until maybe her life would get bad enough that she would finally have the strength and reason to really do it. A million little detransitions. A million little failures to replay in her mind and destroy herself over. Any reprieve was undeserved. Any comfort was unwarranted."

I know that it's a little edgy and corny, but I don't know. I kinda resonate with it. My mental state as of late has been deteriorating a lot more. And I thought that it was just because of winter, S.A.D. and all, but like. The days are longer now. I should be getting better. But i'm not. I can barely work up the strength to drag myself out of bed. I haven't been doing anything to further my transition. I stopped taking my spiro for some reason. I still do my injections when I can, but I put them off so much, to the point where I can feel my brain going out of wack due to the constant battle between estrogen and testosterone. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I need to get on some medication.

18:06 - Oh and I made that python script to automate formatting the diary posts in the html. Even made it so if it detects there's already a div with the same date, it will just add the new entry with the current time, to the same div. I don't know if I worded that correctly. But anyways. At least it will be a bit easier to post diary entries on my computer. I still want to be able to post entries from my phone.

2026.03.14

11:38 - Nvm my imposter syndrome that I was feeling a few days ago is gone. I finished a pretty big task at work and that felt really good.

Anyways, I played "HOPE LEFT ME" last night, that was a pretty cool VN. The soundtrack is nice, its got kinda an ambient sound that to me, sounds really comforting.

2026.03.12

20:14 - My new position at work gives me a lot of anxiety. I kinda miss my old one, working as a tech with a few other people and joking, shooting the shit, and listening to music while we worked. I don't even get an actual pay increase for this. I get all of the pressures of actually being responsible for units and having to give reports on them, but with none of the benefit.

2026.03.09

22:42 - I forgot how fun it was to drive the miata. Left it sitting for almost 6 months!! And all it took was a couple hours of work to get it running again. God, I love how you can just rake through all 5 gears, pedal to the metal, and still not end up at felony speeds lol. I'm gonna take the miata to work tomorrow, we've got some backroads near our office, it'll be fun to hit after I get off.

22:58 - If i'm gonna have these clickable links so you people can navigate my thoughts easier, i'm gonna make a script to make it easier to post these. Right now, I gotta add a div with an id, then link it back up to an <a href> with another id. That's dumb. Python's got me, right?
Yes i'm drunk

23:16 - Alright I made some small formatting changes to the website, drinks kinda hitting me so i might log out here for the night. But one last thing - I recently put the trans flag on my usernames because that's who I am, you know? I'm proud of it. But ever since then, my profile views have SKYROCKETED. Like i'm talking 20+ a day now, compared to maybe 2 or 3 a week before. I wonder if people click on my profile thinking i'm gonna be some hot chick posting thirst traps every day. Sorry champ, that's not me.
But I will take advantage of this and start to link my website in my bio's, maybe that will get some people to look at my website. Which reminds me, I really should set up RCS on my site. Where is that hacker.news post, it was talking about an easy way to set up RCS on your blog...

2026.03.07

02:26 - Alright, I got the API running on the site, now I need to figure things out on the local side. I got serial communication up between my computer and the arduino, but instead of displaying the whole message and then going to the next line or something, it just prints one character at a time and overwrites itself. I need to figure out how to make it so after each character is recieved, it moves to the next slot.

02:39 - I have a python script fetching the latest api data, and it actually works! Kinda. It only prints out the first line. I feel like the arduino isn't handling newlines correctly.

03:27 - WOO! It works! So my problem was I was sending data straight from the serial line to the lcd. I first read the serial input into a 33 byte char array, then iterate over the array and print it to the screen. Why 33 bytes when there are only 32 characters on the lcd screen, you may ask. I first get the message via a GET request to the site's API. Then I combine the two fields, separating them with a newline character. Then when I go to print the serial to the lcd, if the character in the stream is a newline character, I know to then move the cursor to the next line.

So now that I actually have a working display board, I need to figure out an enclosure for this, because right now it's just a breadboard and loose wires. [PIC] Maybe I could design a custom shield for the arduino and model up an enclosure in solidworks.

20:16 - Another productive day! Fixed the Miata, it was long overdue. It was literally just the clutch cylinders, I just put it off because I hate working in the cold :P

2026.03.06

23:42 - Gonna try and get the API running on the site, then tomorrow it should be easy to get the arduino to fetch from it.

2026.03.05

00:27 - Alright I kinda got distracted when I got home, but I worked on the display a little bit. The other guy used a raspberry pi and a google form, but the handy thing about hosting my own website is that I can actually use APIs and not have to go through Google. And i'm not gonna commit a $80 Pi to display the random stuff people want to send me, so i'll do it with an Arduino. I'll just dedicate my server PC, Adzilla, to recieve the messages via some API i'll set up, then use serial comms with arduino to display the message. I gotta figure out how to set up limits and security and all that, but that's a tomorrow problem. I gotta wake up in less than 6 hours, ugh.

2026.03.04

12:02 - Sitting here at work and randomly remembered how some person on NeoCities set up a tool that let people put in a username and a 16 character message, and it would automatically display on a 16x2 LCD display. That seems kinda cool, I might work on that when I get off work.

2026.03.02

20:32 - Work today genuinely wiped me out. Thinking of taking off work tomorrow, calling it a mental health day

20:57 - I was scolling on TikTok earlier and saw that the official White House page posted a military edit for the Operation Epic Fury. Look, I like some of the military edits. Do I like war? No. I just think the engineering behind them is neat. Anyways, for some reason, seeing that the White House posted it really put a bad taste in my mouth. Pure propaganda.

2026.03.01

23:22 - What's the difference between a blog and a diary? Maybe the blog will be longer, more serious posts, and the diary will just be day to day feelings.